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Pokemon GOne!

Kailea Hieshima

So I ran into a stop sign again. And, yes, I was looking at my phone, but this time it was for a good reason — I was about to catch a Pikachu. I didn’t end up catching it, but I did catch a bloody nose and a giant pole mark across my face. I was really excited about that Pokémon.

Anyway, if you haven’t guessed already, this article is about the infamous Pokémon GO. If you haven’t heard of it, then you probably live in a hole. Have you not been outside in the past three months? Have you not read the news?

Since you apparently don’t have any cell reception in that little hole of yours, I’ll tell you a little bit about the game.

Pokémon GO was created as an exercise initiative — something to get people out of the house and moving, but that backfired a little bit.

Now, you’ve got people who refuse to walk in a straight line, people who run around in the middle of the street trying to “catch ‘em all” and people who will literally push a 90-year-old lady and her tiny chihuahua in front of a dump truck just for a purple rat. Oh, my mistake: a Rattata.

However, after a few weeks of constant gameplay, activity stopped and the app dropped from number 1 to number 56 on the Apple App Store.

The question is: why? Pokémon GO was created to make people who never leave the house actually want to go outside, and that’s the first problem.

Playing the game requires leaving the comfort and safety of your parents’ basement and actually going outside. And that’s all fine and dandy for the first week or two, until you realize that there are reasons why you never go outside. Let’s be honest here. Outside is scary. I mean you’ve got the people, who always seem to be rushing and bumping into you. And then you’ve got the sun, which, when you don’t go outside ever, burns a lot after more than an hour.

And, last but definitely not least, going outside means partaking in a form of exercise — walking. I can’t even type the word without getting chills.

As soon as the game came out, it was obvious that there were some technical problems. Developers didn’t account for the sheer amount of people who would download and play the game, which resulted in huge problems for the servers. One second, you would be in the middle of catching a Squirtle, and, the next, your app would crash and you’d have to log in all over again and wait 20 minutes for the servers to come back up. And I don’t know about you, but I’m not that patient.

Pokémon GO completely drains battery and cellular data. I mean, how are you meant to continue playing if, after an hour of gameplay, your battery is suddenly at 27 percent? And then, because you can see that there’s a Flareon nearby, you have to keep playing until, eventually, your battery runs out completely. And then you miss seven calls from your mother, and all of a sudden your phone gets taken away. And if it’s not the battery, then it’s the data.  Seriously, how are you supposed to play when you’ve already used up 90 percent of your data for the month in the first three days?

I guess the only good thing about the game right now is that I don’t have to spend time thinking about the election, because, forget about Clinton and Trump. This is the real problem. #makepokémongreatagain

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